Last night (or rather, last midnight), I've been chatting with some peeps regarding Thor server - guild alliance and such. A friend of mine way back Chaos (he's now retired from pRO) suddenly greeted me in YM. Quite surprised, I asked how he was doing, and vice versa. He asked how my job applications went, and how life's going on with me. Being (another) open-minded, I told him a part of my life which, up till now, haven't been able to tell to anyone. But his reaction, although part is what I predicted, another part is somewhat surprising.
What he said to me?
"...it's nice to discover that you're honest to yourself."
Like, "wow, really?" in my head. Coz' if I were really honest, I would've already killed myself. Or maybe, I've been driven out of our house. But maybe in a sense, I've been honest too. But since I have an idea of the consequences, I couldn't do anything. All I could do is nod and agree, and let them do the work. I guess that's the main reason why I couldn't do anything around here lately...
I also had that thought about something else; just this morning. I recall everyone that I've known since the start of the game. I had good times with them, in and out of the game. And then, they had to go - out of the game and into the real world. And it's still happening today.
I also recalled those high school days. How "aloof" I was during 3rd & 4th yr. And then it made me think - I guess I was too dependent afterall...
And all this time, I thought I could go on living by myself; no need for the others, just good ol' me. But then again, I couldn't do anything with myself either. I had to ask them whether something is good or bad; whether it's the right thing or the bad thing. After all this time, I was dependent on the people around me; and that when it's just me, I'm nothing. I couldn't decide anything.
Geez... I hate reality. Really.
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