Thoughts about death & dying...

Lol, creepy title for a first blog. :lol: But I guess this is good start to lay out some of my thoughts...

First off - Thor server in pRO. Right now, I can say I've exhausted all my motivation and excitement in playing pRO - once on top of the charts, now... almost 6 ft. under.

Since Aug. 2003, I was an avid fan of this game. And after about 2 years of my gametime in Chaos (and sidelining in Loki once in a while), I decided to play in Sakray, year 2005. I was later known there (hence the blogname =P), not because I was powerful or rich, but simply because... umm... my Super Novice was just cute. ^^;

Moving aside, since the outbreak of bots have detoriated the game greatly, playing was no longer that enjoyable. A lot of pioneers moved out of the game - some due to real life issues, some got fond of new online games, and some due to game issues. It's too many to remember, but my guild in Chaos started its end due to the latter.

(This is pretty long :lol:, hope you pardon my very sentimental thought)

So here it is, the so-called 'answer' to all those pioneers & anti-bot players: Thor server, said to be backed up with Ragdefender. And as of now, it's still effectively eliminating botters in jRO (Japan RO).

Well, the thing is - LU! has a reputation of "breaking promises'. The so-called 'no-more-botters' patch for gameguard (for the Lighthalzen patch supposedly) worked for a few weeks, afterwards invaded once more by bots. And the announcement they made on newspapers wasn't exactly motivating either.

So, the question is - will this server be my final resting place? For my characters at least... I plan on retiring from pRO like the rest did; that is, if this server doesn't work out. That excitement and joy in playing isn't even present in me right now, and I doubt Thor will bring that back. RO is hardly enjoyable - and right now, it feels so much like a waste to play (sorry to say). I'm still hoping that Thor will give me a final, memorable and happy run. If not, I'll go back to Sakray... maybe...

~0~0~0~0~0~

Second - yes, I've been under this so called 'depression'. Ever since I got cut-off from almost everything, I felt so eager yet afraid to do anything after I regained some of my connections. And also, well, there's these few matters in the house still unresolved... and that 'other' issue... (heck, I need a psychiatrist @_@)

I was seriously thinking of dying - death, in my sleep or in an accident. A few suicidal thoughts, but I'm too scared for that (HE will burn me in the otherworld when I do). But if there's one thing, one sinister & twisted thought - I like to see myself covered in blood before I die. All those blood oozing from my skin, and I'll look at it like it's nothing... (Gawd, creepy ain't it? :swt:).

~0~0~0~0~0~

Third - still death, but...

I keep recalling how my grandma died...

In that bed in the hospital; contently yet with much effort, she was eating her lunch (she was diagnosed to have an enlarged heart, and her arteries quite "hardened". She has to be confined because of it). I was helping her - I held the juice for her (a zest-o, in a tetra pack). I think she was about to say something to my aunt, which was also with us at the time. She first sipped a little of the juice, and before she could speak, she choked. The next thing I knew, I was running back and forth in the room and into the phone booth, calling my relatives - my grandma was dying, right there on her bed. Afterwards, all I could do was stay in one corner, watch all the participating people, and cry as my grandma was passing away.

In a corner of my mind, I was thinking - it was my fault she died. I should've taken extra care when I gave her her drink. But then one of my aunts, on one lamay said something like, it was nobody's fault - that it was already time. Strangely enough, no one actually talked to me about her death. That felt awfully weird, come to think of it...

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Fourth - Steve Irwin's death (darn, I'll need sleep after this XD). The "Croc Hunter". The world's famous Aussie celebrity died due to a stingray's 'accurate' hit. "Oh, the world has lost another great person..."

News say he accidentally stepped on a stingray on his exploration. The stingray was surprised at this, and to defend itself, sends its tail right up to Steve - exactly on the ribcage, near the heart (at least that's what I heard). Whatever the news said, only one thing was clear - "...he died doing the one thing he love/d most..."
~0~0~0~0~0~

Right now, I've been thinking - there's no such thing as an "untimely" death. Whether game or person, death will surely come. We can't decide when we die. It'll come, whether we expect it or not.

So, what will you do before then? Me...



...I'll still play games and watch TV. Or keep working and doing church duties. Heck, do I know when I'll die? :lol: