Rubbing it more

Right... my dad gave me a scolding this morning; a continuation of the same scolding from last night. I lost my senses early morning (yesterday), and unfortunately, forgot to put the locks of our shop in a safe place - where no one can get it. I'd say the two were safe (they're locked up in one of the door shop's handle) but one of them, admittedly, I forgot to lock up. When I was closing the shop, I realized one was missing. Yep, that one forgotten lock...

So, what seemed like eternity (right now) of scoldings, seems like my dad want to close the shop AGAIN (after what, 6-7 months of being closed?). I know it's not a small deal, but geez... and once more, he's rubbing it more; not to mention blaming me for the games I'm playing.

Gee, right, rub it more. Rub it so hard till it get dented so much no one will recognize. I'd love that, really! <_<

P.S. Did I mentioned that I'm accounted for so much guilt? No? Right, now you know...

Reality's nightmares

Last night (or rather, last midnight), I've been chatting with some peeps regarding Thor server - guild alliance and such. A friend of mine way back Chaos (he's now retired from pRO) suddenly greeted me in YM. Quite surprised, I asked how he was doing, and vice versa. He asked how my job applications went, and how life's going on with me. Being (another) open-minded, I told him a part of my life which, up till now, haven't been able to tell to anyone. But his reaction, although part is what I predicted, another part is somewhat surprising.

What he said to me?

"...it's nice to discover that you're honest to yourself."

Like, "wow, really?" in my head. Coz' if I were really honest, I would've already killed myself. Or maybe, I've been driven out of our house. But maybe in a sense, I've been honest too. But since I have an idea of the consequences, I couldn't do anything. All I could do is nod and agree, and let them do the work. I guess that's the main reason why I couldn't do anything around here lately...

I also had that thought about something else; just this morning. I recall everyone that I've known since the start of the game. I had good times with them, in and out of the game. And then, they had to go - out of the game and into the real world. And it's still happening today.

I also recalled those high school days. How "aloof" I was during 3rd & 4th yr. And then it made me think - I guess I was too dependent afterall...

And all this time, I thought I could go on living by myself; no need for the others, just good ol' me. But then again, I couldn't do anything with myself either. I had to ask them whether something is good or bad; whether it's the right thing or the bad thing. After all this time, I was dependent on the people around me; and that when it's just me, I'm nothing. I couldn't decide anything.

Geez... I hate reality. Really.

Family time

I had lunch with my family a while ago. Simple lunch - Misua and Okoy, accompanied with a 1.5L Coke. My youngest sister was once again doing her usual nagging after a choir meeting. She always does that when she feels a certain level of "hunger" or anxiety, and wants her needs to be fulfilled ASAP. My mom was fumed once again, but I guess lunch neutralized it a little. We had a little chitchat while we're finishing our servings.

My dad, on the other hand, was a little bit childish at the moment. He would try taking the potato chips my lil' sister was eating once in a while, and give that smirk - just to annoy her more. Really, he's such a kid sometimes. -_-;

My mom was telling us some of her annoying experiences; and what she did when they do annoy her. One of them is when she had an arguement about a certain issue. (Lol, my memory is just too faulty these days...) She would tell us that she never wanted to lose in a debate, and would do her best to win. It made me think "I guess that's where I got my 'warfreak' issues". But then again, some females really have a short temper and a bad taking on things. It's in the person, I guess (but genes still count! :D).

I also keep telling my mom that the okoy she cooked was good. Although, the food has that funny aftertaste. Maybe because I ate okoy with vinegar, and the taste doesn't really match with misua. Or maybe it's my imagination again... @_@

Thoughts about death & dying...

Lol, creepy title for a first blog. :lol: But I guess this is good start to lay out some of my thoughts...

First off - Thor server in pRO. Right now, I can say I've exhausted all my motivation and excitement in playing pRO - once on top of the charts, now... almost 6 ft. under.

Since Aug. 2003, I was an avid fan of this game. And after about 2 years of my gametime in Chaos (and sidelining in Loki once in a while), I decided to play in Sakray, year 2005. I was later known there (hence the blogname =P), not because I was powerful or rich, but simply because... umm... my Super Novice was just cute. ^^;

Moving aside, since the outbreak of bots have detoriated the game greatly, playing was no longer that enjoyable. A lot of pioneers moved out of the game - some due to real life issues, some got fond of new online games, and some due to game issues. It's too many to remember, but my guild in Chaos started its end due to the latter.

(This is pretty long :lol:, hope you pardon my very sentimental thought)

So here it is, the so-called 'answer' to all those pioneers & anti-bot players: Thor server, said to be backed up with Ragdefender. And as of now, it's still effectively eliminating botters in jRO (Japan RO).

Well, the thing is - LU! has a reputation of "breaking promises'. The so-called 'no-more-botters' patch for gameguard (for the Lighthalzen patch supposedly) worked for a few weeks, afterwards invaded once more by bots. And the announcement they made on newspapers wasn't exactly motivating either.

So, the question is - will this server be my final resting place? For my characters at least... I plan on retiring from pRO like the rest did; that is, if this server doesn't work out. That excitement and joy in playing isn't even present in me right now, and I doubt Thor will bring that back. RO is hardly enjoyable - and right now, it feels so much like a waste to play (sorry to say). I'm still hoping that Thor will give me a final, memorable and happy run. If not, I'll go back to Sakray... maybe...

~0~0~0~0~0~

Second - yes, I've been under this so called 'depression'. Ever since I got cut-off from almost everything, I felt so eager yet afraid to do anything after I regained some of my connections. And also, well, there's these few matters in the house still unresolved... and that 'other' issue... (heck, I need a psychiatrist @_@)

I was seriously thinking of dying - death, in my sleep or in an accident. A few suicidal thoughts, but I'm too scared for that (HE will burn me in the otherworld when I do). But if there's one thing, one sinister & twisted thought - I like to see myself covered in blood before I die. All those blood oozing from my skin, and I'll look at it like it's nothing... (Gawd, creepy ain't it? :swt:).

~0~0~0~0~0~

Third - still death, but...

I keep recalling how my grandma died...

In that bed in the hospital; contently yet with much effort, she was eating her lunch (she was diagnosed to have an enlarged heart, and her arteries quite "hardened". She has to be confined because of it). I was helping her - I held the juice for her (a zest-o, in a tetra pack). I think she was about to say something to my aunt, which was also with us at the time. She first sipped a little of the juice, and before she could speak, she choked. The next thing I knew, I was running back and forth in the room and into the phone booth, calling my relatives - my grandma was dying, right there on her bed. Afterwards, all I could do was stay in one corner, watch all the participating people, and cry as my grandma was passing away.

In a corner of my mind, I was thinking - it was my fault she died. I should've taken extra care when I gave her her drink. But then one of my aunts, on one lamay said something like, it was nobody's fault - that it was already time. Strangely enough, no one actually talked to me about her death. That felt awfully weird, come to think of it...

~0~0~0~0~0~

Fourth - Steve Irwin's death (darn, I'll need sleep after this XD). The "Croc Hunter". The world's famous Aussie celebrity died due to a stingray's 'accurate' hit. "Oh, the world has lost another great person..."

News say he accidentally stepped on a stingray on his exploration. The stingray was surprised at this, and to defend itself, sends its tail right up to Steve - exactly on the ribcage, near the heart (at least that's what I heard). Whatever the news said, only one thing was clear - "...he died doing the one thing he love/d most..."
~0~0~0~0~0~

Right now, I've been thinking - there's no such thing as an "untimely" death. Whether game or person, death will surely come. We can't decide when we die. It'll come, whether we expect it or not.

So, what will you do before then? Me...



...I'll still play games and watch TV. Or keep working and doing church duties. Heck, do I know when I'll die? :lol: